It’s amazing to me how when I began this journey of self-love and authenticity, I never knew where it was going to lead. I just knew I had to get to a place where I could love and accept myself over anything and anybody. Two years ago, in 2018, during my morning meditation I heard the words “authentic”, “be authentic”. I began looking up the meaning, searching for explanations and understanding immediately. This was the beginning. Then this year in 2020, Covid-19 hit and my life along with everyone in the world’s life was changed. I immediately took this as a sign to go inward, but little did I know what the Creator had in store for me. One day during the lockdown, I was looking in the mirror, picking at my body; internally telling myself how horrible I looked and what I need to work on like I normally did and heard the words, “you need to be kinder to yourself”. I began to follow that voice, cherishing those words, which were the continuation of my self-love journey. During this time, I realized how much I hated my body. I began to do the internal work to find out the source of this disdain I had for myself and my body because I realized before I could face the world, I had to face myself.
Over the years I have done similar photoshoots, that were revealing, but I never had the guts to publish the photos. I considered myself too fat, not pretty enough, just not good enough. As a child I was always thicker than most of the girls in my class at one point the tallest (I stopped growing in 5th grade). Kids can be cruel… being called ‘fat girl’ and being told by the young boys that they don’t like ‘fat girls’. That can take a toll on your psyche. I thought next to being smart, being a size 8 or lower were the keys to success. I can’t remember a moment where I wasn’t critiquing my body. Starving myself for perfection or binge eating the food I starved myself from… so naturally I had to begin the torment all over again. All of that to be ‘liked’, because fat girls weren’t popular or at least in my eyes they weren’t. I found myself jealous and envious of people I didn’t know just because they were a certain size and I thought that size was success.
I grew up in a religious (or so I thought) household. Church every Sunday, Bible Study on Wednesday…. you know the drill. My mom never talked to me about sex or my body. So, of course subconsciously, I formed my own opinions based on others around me. In church we are taught as women to hide our bodies.. because you don’t want to make your fellow ‘brothers’ fall into sin. Like why I am responsible for his sin and mine!! *rolls eyes*. ‘Your body is the temple of the Lord, so cover those breasts, hide those hips, don’t wear too much make up’. But there was no teaching on how precious my body was; how amazing those breast and hips are and that’s why shouldn’t just give it up to anybody.
Just imagine carrying those words with you for most of your life. Feeling trapped, trapped in your head, not trusting, and believing in yourself. Worrying about what others would think of you. It is funny because over the years people who have known me have this image in their heads of who I am and my character. I allowed this ‘image’ to be considered by others because really, I see now, I didn’t know who I was, so it was easier to allow people to assume who I was. A part of me always knew that that ‘person’ I presented was not 100% real, but I did not know what to do about it. The secret desires to do certain things, to achieve certain goals, but I was consumed with fear and insecurities concerning myself. Too afraid of being misunderstood, judged, talked about, etc. Having been in therapy for going on 12 years now, 2020 was the year of either sink or swim for me. You are either going to deal with this shit Megan or live a life full of falsehoods.
Not knowing who you are is a daunting task. Absorbing everything around you and morphing to what looks or seems attractive is exhausting. Seeing yourself as less than, so much less than that everyone else seems so much cooler and attractive. Underneath what some would say was a ‘sweetness’ and ‘coolness’ was really the fear of being found out as the fraud I was. The ‘shyness’ and inability to completely express myself was a cover for the crazy anxiety and insecurity I was dealing with. I never truly was committed in any relationship; I had concluded that any man that said he loved me would eventually leave me; #DaddyIssues. That just like my dad, they would win my heart, then one day disappoint me and break my heart. So, I just dated with no strings and no commitment. Then some years ago I fell in love. Can you believe that shit?... ‘Miss No Commitment’. He was my first love. The first person I decided to take that chance and open myself up to completely. I never thought I could love someone that way (I still do). I mean looking through the lens of mistrust, fear, anxiety, insecurity, etc., who would’ve thunk it. But the relationship just exacerbated my lens, because when you are dealing with trauma secretly, everything you do is to maintain; to maintain the lie of ‘I’m okay’ and you are triggered so easily. I was triggered A Lot. Then after some years I learned that just loving someone isn’t enough; the #DaddyIssues, the insecurity, anxiety… all of that shit was still there. Through faith, prayer and therapy I learned that the love of self is the key to it all. That I had to put me first in ALL things to be happy.
I was so miserable y’all. If there was anyone that I was encouraging at the time, encouraging you, encouraged me. I hid myself in other people’s problems and issues so I wouldn’t have to deal with my own. Four years ago I had gotten so low I was contemplating suicide. Looking for a bridge or something to just end it all. *Que old hymn* *Sings* ‘Love lifted me. Love lifted me. When nothing else would help, Love lifted me’ *repeat* I mean when we don’t love ourselves, it makes it hard to receive love from others. And the love I’m speaking of isn’t the surface shit, but its that internal light that shines in us no matter what. It’s not just a feeling; its who we are, but we have to realize that love is a part of our identity. This requires work, a lot of internal work.
This year my birthday is even more significant because it’s not about anyone but me. I used to get anxious, even dread my birthday because its right after Christmas and right before New Year’s, so people are either broke or have no time for me until after the next year begins. I used to pray that my friends wouldn’t ask me what I wanted to do because I never knew what I wanted to do. Or I had hoped my man would just call me up and say “hey, don’t worry about anything. I got you. Just be ready when I say so.” Because I really didn’t know how to celebrate myself. I was the best at celebrating others, but not so much at celebrating me. Not until this year, 2020! Although I will have to say 2019 was when it started.
Amid this global pandemic and racial unrest, it seemed like I should’ve been saying like other people were saying “I hate this year. I can’t wait til 2021 hits”. Well, I can’t say that. Although I hate the separation from my family and some friends; I too have lost family members to this virus and others of natural causes; I can still say this has been the best year of my life. The reason being because I learned to LOVE… L-O-V-E…. LOVE Megan!! I have learned to embrace the real Megan; to put me first. I LOVE ME!! I had faked it for so long and it hasn’t been easy. All my life, I can’t remember a time where I put me before anyone and that’s because I didn’t think I was worthy. Now I KNOW I’m worthy.
Now, I do want to say that since I decided to do this photoshoot and present these photos and this blog, the craziest thoughts have come to my mind. If you don’t believe there is an enemy among us that doesn’t want us to succeed or to move forward, there definitely is one. His only job is to work so hard to steal, kill and destroy us. Man o Man did fear, insecurity, etc. work hard to try and kill this creative gift; it turned into overdrive. Every day, every hour was a battle for my mind, you kill one thought, then another comes, you kill that thought then insecurity, rejection and fear try to creep back in. Let me tell you it was work. So, I encourage you, if you battle in your mind (we all do), keep fighting; keep praying, find a therapist that works for you, their job is to help give us to the tools to continue to fight!!
Every morning even if its for 5 minutes I get up and I give honor to God, then myself. I look in the mirror with a smile, butt-ass naked and thank God for every part of me. I grab, I caress, I stroke, and speak to and over my body… I love my body. I am no longer ashamed of God’s Glory which is my body!! Which is Me!! I embrace being sexual (I love sex), I embrace being a woman, I embrace me. So, these photos are an extension of that love. They are an ode to me. I am one of the sexiest, funniest, most spiritually astute people you will ever know. I have never been happier. For the first time I can look in the mirror and speak the truth over myself and believe it. I am learning that its okay if something is ALL about me and nobody else. If a person wants to make something about me about them, then they can walk out the door. Ament!!... Ament!!
I love you All! I pray you the best your journey no matter what it is.
